WHY?!?!

DO PEOPLE DRIVE UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT???

I understand people that drive at the speed limit.  It's the law.  I get that.  I don't have a problem with them.  Personally, I only ever drive about 5 over, just to be on the safe side.

BUT UNDER???

What's the point?  Really, what is the reason for driving slower than you have to?  I just came up with some acceptable scenarios in my head:

1. You're looking for somewhere you've never been.

THAT'S IT.

And now since we have a little thing called GPS, even that shouldn't be an excuse!

Here are some unacceptable scenarios:

1. You're attempting to text and drive.
2. You're attempting to pick your nose and drive.
3. You're attempting to eat that foot long sub and drive.
4. You just don't have anything better to do so MIGHT AS WELL drive 20 in a 45!!!

Haterz

Here's a new game: Look on Facebook or on any trending Twitter topic to see how many people reference their "haters" (often "haterz"). That's the end of the game. Now let's talk about these people.

First, here's UrbanDictionary.com's definition of a "hater:"

Hater- A person that simply cannot be happy for another person's success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person.

So, a key part of having haters is to be successful. But a lot of people miss that part. They seem to think the definition works in the inverse as well: Have haters and you'll be successful.

But that's actually NOT the way it works.

Here is a list of things you must have to actually have haters:

1. Money
2. More money
3. A full time job (see also 1 and 2)
4. Friends that actually like you
5. Probably a full-time staff
6. A degree of fame that amounts to no less than Antoine Dodson's 

Using this criteria, here are examples of people that have haters:

Now, here are some pictures of you, the people that don't have haters but think that if you pretend you do, it must mean you're successful:

See how that works? Presidents and internet sensations have haters. Fast food workers and Facebook idiots don't.


-Eddie Scarry, guest blogger
author of Red Line Items

The Future of America

This morning, I had to arrive at school 30 minutes early for "duty."  My particular duty involved sitting in the front lobby of our school (which houses an elementary, middle, and high school) and basically greeting everyone who comes in.

About two or three weeks ago, a sign was posted to one of the front doors that looks pretty much exactly like this:

The door that this sign was placed on is now locked, and students can only enter through the "other door."  The sign is large and easy to read.

Yesterday, I had the same duty and was astounded at how many people tried to open this clearly labeled and locked door.  So today I decided to count them.

Out of the 34 kids that I saw enter the building, 16 of them tried to open this door.

16.

That's almost half, people!  Keep in mind, these kids have been coming in through these labeled doors for weeks.  It really leaves me speechless.

Ok, not speechless. But I seriously worry about these kids' futures.  Oh, and if you're wondering why there were only 34 kids entering a K-12 educational establishment, then you must not know my story.  Just give me a handle of vodka and 3 hours of your time and I'll be glad to fill you in.

Diagnosis

So after four days of whining, complaining, and blogging...I finally went to the doctor about my sickness.  Turns out, the pain in my right ear that I attributed to sleeping on my side too long (??) is actually an....

EAR INFECTION!

Dur dur durrrr.  I guess we all have to learn the hard way, right Ke$ha?

SICK

I have had a cold for the past couple of days.  It sucks.  But it just hit me that I have a blog where I bitch about things!  So, in addition to instead of sending out a mass text to my friends that includes a list of all my symptoms, I'm going to complain RIGHT HERE! YAY!  Here we go.

1. Sleeping.  Sleeping is really all I want to do when I'm sick.  I like to believe that when I wake up, I will magically be rid of all my diseases.  HOWEVER, it's not that easy when you're playing a balancing act with the snot in your nose.  I lay on my left side, everything drains into my left nostril.  I lay on my right side, it goes to the right nostril.  I lay on my back, and it's 50/50.  NO GLASS HALF FULL HERE!  I guess if I lay on my stomach, it will all drain out and I'll drown in my own mucus.  That seems like a good option at this point.
2. Speaking.  Along with a congested nose, I also have a cough and a sore throat.  This combination provides me with a voice that sounds somewhat like THIS.  It creates a problem when calling into work or calling your friends to beg them to feel sorry for you ask them about their day.

That's really it.  When I sat down to write this I felt like my list was going to be a little longer than two....hmm, maybe I don't have as many problems as I thought!

NAH.

Small Talk

There's a time and a place for small talk.

JUST KIDDING.  I hate it.  If you don't hate it, you should.  If you engage in it, you should stop.

That being said, I was sitting in a waiting area today (the location will be hidden to protect the idiot), where I witnessed THE MOST horrible small talk in the history of tiny talkings.

Ya know, I'm not even going to call this small talk.  This woman was just BLABBING RANDOM FACTS to the woman sitting next to her.  Thank god I was so involved with typing them all into my phone that I wasn't dragged into it.  Because they are so juicy and delicious, I'm just going to list them for you.  No creative writing here, ladies and gents:

• She started off telling the woman that she was the only fair-skinned woman in her family.  All of her brothers and sisters had super dark skin.  "You should SEE our family photos!!!"
• This was a nice segue into her heritage, which was Irish-German.  Good to know.
• Next, she announced that she was newly single, and had gone on her first date last weekend.
• There was about a minute of silence, then she spat "I used to be a size 26!!" and discussed her current "six meals a day" eating plan.
• Following that, she begins to talk about how she's going back to school FINALLY after having her 2 kids.  She used to want to be an archellologist, ya know.
• Somewhere between wanting to be an archellologist and having those kids, she was a greeter at DOLLYWOOD because "she looks like Scarlett O'Hara." (Hint: NOPE)
• After her Gone With the Wind stint, she was a BALLROOM DANCER.  
• Her ballroom dancing partner ended up being her lover.  Alas, he left her, and now she listens to a particular Kenny Chesney song every morning to motivate herself out of bed.
• FINALLY she asks the woman she's talking to something about herself: "Where are you from?"  The woman replies, "Charlotte, originally."  She then proceeds to tell her that her baby daddy was KILLED IN CHARLOTTE.

The end.  Please keep in mind all of this was in a ten minute span.  The woman she was talking to was a COMPLETE STRANGER.  It only ended because her name was called to go back to THE SECRET LOCATION. 

Please, please, PLEASE, never infect someone like this.  NO ONE CARES!