So You Want To Be a Rap Star

It's easy!

1) Someone close to you has to die.

This way, at least 55% of your music can be paying tribute to that person; talking about how you owe them your life, your career, and your firstborn child.  Who needs creativity when you have a dead friend?!

2) You must have a cool-looking scar somewhere everyone can see.

Nothing will better prove that you're a bad-ass than a highly visible bodily scar.  Fell off a swing set in third grade? Great! Just stretch the truth a bit to involve some sort of gang fight on that playground, and you've got yourself a battle scar.  Think...Mary J. Blige:

WOAH that was almost her eye!

3) You must tattoo your area code somewhere on your body.

You've gotta rep your hood! Even if it is...Louisiana...

4) Finally, you must speak as if your jaw's wired shut. (BONUS POINTS IF IT REALLY IS!)

We all know Kanye went Through the Wire...

Ouch.  Even if your jaw's not sewn up tight, there's no reason you still can't talk like that! The harder it is to understand you, the more successful your music will be.  Case in point:

Bumper Stickers pt. 3

Rounding out my trilogy on bumper stickers we have the scariest bumper sticker of them all (and it's not even really a bumper sticker!)

I'm talking about these people who decide to slap some stickers usually reserved for making your own "Garage Sale" signs on their cars.  These people have A LOT TO SAY and their messages are SO UNIQUE that they simply cannot find a bumper sticker that portrays their ideas!  So what do they do!? They make their own!

This particular driver got a little too caught up in the excitement and ended up making NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.  But at least it's easy to read!

Forget about lowercase letters! They go above and BEYOND by scaring the living shit out of us as we drive down the road.  They take the "Kanye West Approach" and write their messages in ALL CAPS.  

The funniest scariest thing about this is that the driver really thinks they're making an impact on the world by doing this! As if everyone that sees them is going to slam on their brakes and start copying down the info.  I recently passed by a van that was covered in the date that the world will end.  Why is it hard for me to believe that someone with that knowledge is driving a 1994 Chevy Astro?