Saturday, January 21, 2012

So You Want To Be a Rap Star

It's easy!

1) Someone close to you has to die.

This way, at least 55% of your music can be paying tribute to that person; talking about how you owe them your life, your career, and your firstborn child.  Who needs creativity when you have a dead friend?!

2) You must have a cool-looking scar somewhere everyone can see.

Nothing will better prove that you're a bad-ass than a highly visible bodily scar.  Fell off a swing set in third grade? Great! Just stretch the truth a bit to involve some sort of gang fight on that playground, and you've got yourself a battle scar.  Think...Mary J. Blige:
WOAH that was almost her eye!

3) You must tattoo your area code somewhere on your body.

You've gotta rep your hood! Even if it is...Louisiana...

4) Finally, you must speak as if your jaw's wired shut. (BONUS POINTS IF IT REALLY IS!)

We all know Kanye went Through the Wire...
Ouch.  Even if your jaw's not sewn up tight, there's no reason you still can't talk like that! The harder it is to understand you, the more successful your music will be.  Case in point:

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