Remember Me?

No one should say this. Ever.  There are two outcomes to asking someone this question.

There is a 13% chance that they actually do remember you, and they say "Of course! Star Wars Convention 02, right?!"

The other 87% of the time, that person has NO clue who you are, and you've just created a highly uncomfortable situation for you and for them.  If you have to ask someone if they remember you, they're probably not one of your closest pals.  I wouldn't go up to my best friend and say "Hey, remember me?" unless there was a blunt head trauma involved.  The SECOND that question leaves your mouth, their head is racing through all 543 of their Facebook friends, hoping your face clicks into place.  Chances are, it won't, and now they're put in the awkward position of saying "NOPE!", and now you feel like a dumb ass because you assumed they did.

Instead, my advice is just to ignore that person. Conversation is for friendly people.

So You Want To Be a Rap Star

It's easy!

1) Someone close to you has to die.

This way, at least 55% of your music can be paying tribute to that person; talking about how you owe them your life, your career, and your firstborn child.  Who needs creativity when you have a dead friend?!

2) You must have a cool-looking scar somewhere everyone can see.

Nothing will better prove that you're a bad-ass than a highly visible bodily scar.  Fell off a swing set in third grade? Great! Just stretch the truth a bit to involve some sort of gang fight on that playground, and you've got yourself a battle scar.  Think...Mary J. Blige:

WOAH that was almost her eye!

3) You must tattoo your area code somewhere on your body.

You've gotta rep your hood! Even if it is...Louisiana...

4) Finally, you must speak as if your jaw's wired shut. (BONUS POINTS IF IT REALLY IS!)

We all know Kanye went Through the Wire...

Ouch.  Even if your jaw's not sewn up tight, there's no reason you still can't talk like that! The harder it is to understand you, the more successful your music will be.  Case in point:

Dear Woman Driving With a Cocker Spaniel On Your Dashboard,

*I think the title of this post is enough, but I'm going to go ahead and elaborate.

Dear Woman Driving With a Cocker Spaniel On Your Dashboard,

As I was driving today I saw you on the road.  I glanced over and noticed what I thought to be a large stuffed animal on your dashboard in front of your steering wheel and thought "Well that's a dumb place to put that, it blocks half the windshield!"  Before I could finish my Condescending Thought #1, Condescending Thoughts #2, #3, and #4 came rushing through my brain when the large stuffed animal started MOVING!  Who in their RIGHT MIND would let their at least 30 pound dog lay on the dashboard of their car.  In front of the driver's seat.  First of all, it was blocking at least a third of your view out of your windshield. STUPID. Secondly, if you happened to run into anything, that dog would be on a first-class trip to NO-NO LAND and you would be left picking glass and blonde fur out of your eyes.

Whatever happened to some old McDonald's napkins?


Thanks,

     Shannon