True Beauty

I can't stand it when people post pictures online with a caption that says something about how horrible they look in that picture.

Bitch, please.

If you really thought you looked like shit, you would not be posting it on Facebook or Twitter or ChristianMingle.com or whatever other site you're tooling around on.

Take this picture, for example, from Real Housewife of OC Gretchen Rossi's Twitter:

Caption: Just finished my last hosting gig and in car on way home! Don't I look tired :)

No, actually, you look like a team of angels flew down and buffed your face with diamond dust and then drew on your eyebrows with gold flakes they sifted out of the rivers of Heaven.

If you're going to post a picture with a caption saying you look horrible, please make sure you look horrible. Like Katy Perry:

Also please make sure you're making a face that says "I'm trying really hard to pass this kidney stone."

I'm the Kind of Girl That..

If you're ever on Facebook or Twitter or Blogspot or Tumblr or Myspace (really?) or Pinterest or ANY sort of social networking site, you've probably seen little quotes or graphics that start off with:

"I'm the type of girl that..."

And ends in some statement that we all know is probably the farthest from the truth, but she has posted it on her profile to seem cute and different!

Anyway, I've taken the time to translate a few of these for you. Enjoy.

"I have horrible grammar and I love Taylor Swift."

"I have one friend that I met in a chat room."

"My favorite band is Paramore and my Mom still packs my lunch everyday."

"I've read all of the Twilight books twice."

A Sad Fact

I will be scrolling through my Facebook mini-feed and see someone's really amazing announcement, such as:

• Today's my wedding day, YAY!
• I just had a baby, YAY!
• I just finished crocheting my dog and I matching sweaters, YAY!

But I will forego "liking" or commenting on it, for the sole reason of not getting 23758972359 notifications from other people doing the same.

Like, for real? I'm holding back congratulatory words because I don't want my phone to keep beeping?  Every time my phone goes off, I get excited about the possibility of someone contacting me, and then it just turns out to be someone I don't know saying things I don't care about.

These are real problems, America.

An Independence Day Drinking Game

Happy Fourth!  If you've already tired of hamburgers, hot dogs, and accidentally blowing yourself up, I've created a fun game you can play alone or with others!

Log onto Facebook and start scrolling through your mini-feed.  Take one shot for every time someone posts lyrics from and/or video of Katy Perry's song "Firework."  Continue until you pass out.

Because nothing says "America" like sparklers shooting out of your boobs.

Haterz

Here's a new game: Look on Facebook or on any trending Twitter topic to see how many people reference their "haters" (often "haterz"). That's the end of the game. Now let's talk about these people.

First, here's UrbanDictionary.com's definition of a "hater:"

Hater- A person that simply cannot be happy for another person's success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person.

So, a key part of having haters is to be successful. But a lot of people miss that part. They seem to think the definition works in the inverse as well: Have haters and you'll be successful.

But that's actually NOT the way it works.

Here is a list of things you must have to actually have haters:

1. Money
2. More money
3. A full time job (see also 1 and 2)
4. Friends that actually like you
5. Probably a full-time staff
6. A degree of fame that amounts to no less than Antoine Dodson's 

Using this criteria, here are examples of people that have haters:

Now, here are some pictures of you, the people that don't have haters but think that if you pretend you do, it must mean you're successful:

See how that works? Presidents and internet sensations have haters. Fast food workers and Facebook idiots don't.


-Eddie Scarry, guest blogger
author of Red Line Items

Photo Overload

I, along with 98% of the population, am a Facebook stalker.  Most won't admit this.  Let's face it, Facebook was made for stalking. So, being the good creeper that I am, I log on and visit the newly uploaded photo albums to see what jewels my friends have in store for me.  Every now and then I'll click on an album of about 100 pictures or so of an event, thinking I've really hit the jackpot, when I realize that this person has simply dumped their entire memory stick into an album instead of picking and choosing the highlights.

It gets even worse when I start clicking through the pictures and see that they were taken within 2 seconds of each other.  Sometimes if I click fast enough, it's like watching a movie! HEHEHE

Probably should invest in one of these.

But seriously.  All I want to see is a few embarrassing photos of your life.  Not 34 of your Grandma cutting her birthday cake or 28 of your dog peeing for the first time.

Personification

They say that when you're angry and upset at someone, you should write them a letter explaining all of your feelings.  They also suggest that you don't even have to send the letter, and that just the act of writing it down can help deal with your problems.

I've seen quite a few of these letters pop on my mini-feed.  They go something like:

• Dear Calculus Exam, Why do you have to be so hard?
• Dear Monday, You suck!! I wish it was Sunday still.
• Dear Spring, Hurry up and get here! I hate the cold!

Now, if the authors of these notes knew anything, they would know that Spring isn't checking their Facebook daily!!! No no no!! Spring is off making things green and making the sun shine and making the temperat----WAIT A MINUTE! Spring isn't a person!

And neither is your calculus exam. Or Monday. Or any other season, day of the week, or inanimate object you might be writing to.  Stick to writing to actual humans.  We'd much rather read letters to your ex-boyfriends than to that nasty sandwich you had at lunch.

VagueBookers

First off, I would like to thank my wonderful friend Sarah for introducing me to the correct term for these types of people. If you don't know what it is, well...that's why you're reading this post. DUH.

We all have a VagueBooker or 2(000) on our Facebook friends list.  As you scroll through your news feed you can't help but to NOT FEEL SORRY FOR THEM ONE STINKING BIT.

You know the status: "Feeling so lost right now. What do I do?"

Or, if they're a real VagueBooking pro: "My world just came crashing down. I can't believe this happened.  Especially after everything that happened last month!"

Now you, reader, might be thinking to yourself,  "This girl's a real bitch!"

You're right.

But even the non-bitchiest of people should be able to see that these VagueBookers aren't really hurting that bad!  If they were seriously in pain and sorrow, they wouldn't be posting it on Facebook. They'd be crying into one of the following:

• beer
• gallon of ice cream
• microphone at a karaoke bar

They're looking for attention!  DON'T GIVE IN.  The best Vaguebooking statuses are the ones that have ZERO COMMENTS and were posted THREE DAYS AGO.  We call this negative reinforcement.

Unrealistic Requests

People never cease to amaze me with what they post on Facebook.  One thing that I look at and think "You're a dumbass," are statuses that follow this formula:

"Who wants to buy me a _____________? "

Usually this blank is filled with something pretty expensive, such as:

• a new car!
• a new wardrobe!
• a new iPad!

First of all, who's on your friends list?  Jay-Z? Bill Gates? One of the Real Housewives?  Do you really think that the kid who sat behind you in Psychology is going to be looking through his mini-feed one day, see your status, and say "Hell yes, I do!" and message you for your mailing address?

Secondly, what are you trying to accomplish?  I already think you're nuts for asking 130 of your not-so-closest friends to grant your wishes.  Now I'll add "poor and unfortunate" to that list since you're begging for hand-outs.

Note: The only exception is this guy: