Dirty Thieves: A Video Blog

Budget Cuts

If you know me, or read my blog regularly, you've probably picked up by now that I'm a teacher.  If you're a little slow, you may have assumed that I was a bail bondsman, and that's OK too.

We all know that schools are always getting the shit end of the stick when it comes to money.  It only makes sense since we're housing and educating the future of America.  Because of these budget cuts, there are some things that I've just gotten accustomed to around here.

For example, our faculty restrooms have been out of soap for about 4 months.  This is especially fun when I'm helping a 6th grader adjust their spit valve and it empties all over my hands.

As if we needed another problem with our hygiene practices, the restrooms ran out of paper towels about 2 months ago.  Just to catch you up, at this point "washing my hands" involves rinsing them under water and then shaking them like a polaroid picture.

I didn't think it could get any worse.  I really didn't.  But then I go to wash my hands yesterday and....

WE'RE OUT OF WATER.

I turned on the sink and...nothing comes out.  It's like the end of a bad joke.  "You know you're poor when..."

Complimentary

If you follow my blog (and who doesn't, really?!), then you know that some of the people in my workplace enjoy telling me on a weekly basis how unattractive I am.  Or at least that's what it feels like.  Recently, however, I've received a few comments that only SLIGHTLY make me feel like tying cinder blocks to my feet and jumping in the pool in my apartment complex.

"Look at your legs, you've got black girl legs!"

Now, does she mean these black girl legs,


or these black girl legs?


It's hard to tell.

"I like your hair today, it's so puffy!"

This started out positive, but then took an uuuuugly turn.  Don't ever, ever, EVER, call a girl's hair puffy. I don't spend $900 a year on every antifrizzglosstamingshine spray so that I can come to work and get told that I look like carrot top.

Like Thumper always says:

The Future of America

This morning, I had to arrive at school 30 minutes early for "duty."  My particular duty involved sitting in the front lobby of our school (which houses an elementary, middle, and high school) and basically greeting everyone who comes in.

About two or three weeks ago, a sign was posted to one of the front doors that looks pretty much exactly like this:

The door that this sign was placed on is now locked, and students can only enter through the "other door."  The sign is large and easy to read.

Yesterday, I had the same duty and was astounded at how many people tried to open this clearly labeled and locked door.  So today I decided to count them.

Out of the 34 kids that I saw enter the building, 16 of them tried to open this door.

16.

That's almost half, people!  Keep in mind, these kids have been coming in through these labeled doors for weeks.  It really leaves me speechless.

Ok, not speechless. But I seriously worry about these kids' futures.  Oh, and if you're wondering why there were only 34 kids entering a K-12 educational establishment, then you must not know my story.  Just give me a handle of vodka and 3 hours of your time and I'll be glad to fill you in.

READ A SIGN!

This will be quick because I'm about to have 17 instrumentalists run into my room, but I just had to VENT.

There are many faculty/staff bathrooms placed around the building.

• Each of these is unisex.  
• Each of these can only be opened with a key.  
• Each of these, when unlocked, displays a sign that reads "VACANT."
• Each of these has a lock that when turned, automatically displays an "OCCUPIED" sign on the outside of the door.  

Let me break this down a little more.  The ONLY WAY to display the OCCUPIED sign is to be INSIDE the bathroom and LOCK the door.

So here I am, running to the bathroom before class starts.  The sign reads VACANT.  I unlock the door with my key. I flip the lock, thus turning the sign to read OCCUPIED."  I begin doing what we do in a bathroom, and I hear someone beginning to attempt to unlock the door.  Keep in mind that the sign reads OCCUPIED.  I don't say anything, because I figure they'll figure out soon enough why they are unable to unlock the door.

NOPE.

They now begin jiggling their key in the lock as if the ONLY reason they can't open the door is that they're not twisting and turning their key in just the right way.  This begins to make me nervous (I have nightmares about being in the faculty bathroom and the door swinging open during a class change) so I quickly finish up.  Not to be a quitter, this person KNOCKS ON THE DOOR!  I reply "YESSSSSSSS???" as I'm washing my hands.    Most people would walk away at this point.  Most people would get the drift.  Most people would find one of the other TWENTY EMPTY BATHROOMS.

NOPE.

THEY PUT THEIR KEY BACK IN THE LOCK AS IF TO SAY "THERE'S NO WAY THAT A HUMAN IS INSIDE THIS BATHROOM! IT MUST BE A TRICK!"

That's all.  I washed and dried my hands and by the time I opened the door they were gone.  I just can't believe people's stupidity sometimes.  I really can't.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

It has come to my attention that there is a group of people who were put on this Earth as human mirrors.  These people feel the need to let you know everything that's going on with your outward appearance.  A lot of my students are this way.  Here's just a sampling of things that I've been told:

• "Mmm you're breaking out right there on the side of your face!"
• "You got a cold sore on your lip!"
• "Miss Lee, you've got bags under your eyes!"

They say these things to me with no hatred whatsoever; they are simply telling me facts about myself, as if I hadn't actually looked in a mirror in a week or two.  I have to restrain myself from saying,

"Hey, thanks for letting me know that! I've also been 
wanting to tell you that you're ugly!"

But, for the sake of my job, I do not.  I tell myself that in their mind, they're being...helpful? Who the hell knows. The question I ask myself is, "Where do they draw the line?"

I mean, if they're pointing out my pimples, are they also going up to the guy in the wheelchair and saying,

"YO! You're missing your legs!"

Pissed off...literally

I'm a teacher.  When I walk into the staff lounge, I should feel relaxed and safe.  It's the one room in the school where the students are not allowed to go (except they still do...because teachers send them in to buy them snacks HEHEHE).

In reality, every time I swing open the door to the bathroom in there, I'm shaking in my black sparkly flats.  Why? Well, there's two reasons:

1. There's a 50% chance I'll walk in on one of our older faculty members.  This woman was oddly born with the inability to lock doors AND to speak when someone knocks on said door.
2. There's a 95% chance I'll walk in to find that a small group of guerrilla toddlers have broken into our lounge and  vandalized the bathroom with their urine.

Although I haven't seen these toddler terrorists, I know they MUST exist because I cannot fathom another reason for there to be so much urine in places where it should not be.  I'm not just talking a drop or two on the seat.  I'm talking puddles on the seat and even worse...on the FLOOR!  How in the world does a grown man manage to miss his target that badly!?  On top of that, this sharp-shooter doesn't even put the seat up before he does it!  Someone needs to reassess their skills.