Dear Woman Driving With a Cocker Spaniel On Your Dashboard,

*I think the title of this post is enough, but I'm going to go ahead and elaborate.

Dear Woman Driving With a Cocker Spaniel On Your Dashboard,

As I was driving today I saw you on the road.  I glanced over and noticed what I thought to be a large stuffed animal on your dashboard in front of your steering wheel and thought "Well that's a dumb place to put that, it blocks half the windshield!"  Before I could finish my Condescending Thought #1, Condescending Thoughts #2, #3, and #4 came rushing through my brain when the large stuffed animal started MOVING!  Who in their RIGHT MIND would let their at least 30 pound dog lay on the dashboard of their car.  In front of the driver's seat.  First of all, it was blocking at least a third of your view out of your windshield. STUPID. Secondly, if you happened to run into anything, that dog would be on a first-class trip to NO-NO LAND and you would be left picking glass and blonde fur out of your eyes.

Whatever happened to some old McDonald's napkins?


Thanks,

     Shannon

Dear Rich Guy

Dear Rich Guy,
    I'm sure it sounded like a pretty good idea to park your expensive sports car at CVS like this:

However, while lowering the chances of someone opening their car door into yours, you're also increasing the chances of someone taking a baseball bat to your windshield for being an asshole.

Thanks,

     Shannon

P.S. Thanks to www.youparklikeanasshole.com, you can print out these handy-dandy tickets and put them on people's windshields!

Reader Rants Vol. 1

Lately, some of my friends have been coming to me with their own problems with the human race and asking me to blog about them.  Since I'll never turn down an opportunity to bitch about something, I gladly obliged.

Brittany C. from Charleston, SC would like to ask her fellow shoppers to please give her some personal space when it comes to standing in line at the cash registers.  Or anywhere else, if I had to guess.  I hate these people too, Brittany.  Moving closer to me is actually not speeding up this transaction, so please stay back.  If I can smell your breath and you can see my PIN, you're too close.

Sarah B. from Mt. Pleasant, SC is tired of letting YOU out in front of her in traffic and receiving no signal of gratitude back.  Not even a wave? A nod? I bet you'd have some certain signals if instead she rammed into the side of your car.

Jessie T. from Charleston, SC wonders what sort of idiot drives around with their turn signal on while they're clearly going straight down a road.  Did they consider turning, but then forget?  How do you not hear that obnoxious clicking?

Have a rant? Or a rave? (But preferably a rant.) Let me know!

Top 3 Songs to Sing While Driving

Is this a rave? A rant? You decide.

Note: This list coincidentally can double as "Top 3 Songs To Never Sing at Karaoke"


3)Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O' Connor

As a general rule, anything that will make you cry like you just saw a school bus fly off the side of a cliff is the perfect song to sing while you're driving.  Why?  Because (singing + driving + crying) not only guarantees you an ugly death, but it also allows you to feel like you're in a movie - and who doesn't want that?!

2)Move - Ludacris

This one probably doesn't need an explanation.  If you have road rage like I do, you need an anthem to sing while you're reaching for that mace under your backseat.

1)What's Up - 4 Non Blondes

This song has it all.  The range is from the very last note on the piano to the very highest note Mariah Carey's twins can squeal when they want a bottle.  The lyrics don't make a bit of sense.  There's even a slight tinge of yodeling.  Add it all up, and you've got the perfect song to sing while driving.  Enjoy, and remember - roll your windows up.

WHY?!?!

DO PEOPLE DRIVE UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT???

I understand people that drive at the speed limit.  It's the law.  I get that.  I don't have a problem with them.  Personally, I only ever drive about 5 over, just to be on the safe side.

BUT UNDER???

What's the point?  Really, what is the reason for driving slower than you have to?  I just came up with some acceptable scenarios in my head:

1. You're looking for somewhere you've never been.

THAT'S IT.

And now since we have a little thing called GPS, even that shouldn't be an excuse!

Here are some unacceptable scenarios:

1. You're attempting to text and drive.
2. You're attempting to pick your nose and drive.
3. You're attempting to eat that foot long sub and drive.
4. You just don't have anything better to do so MIGHT AS WELL drive 20 in a 45!!!

Bumper Stickers pt.1

Bumper stickers say a lot about you.  When you're driving in your car, it's really the only way passing strangers can gain insight to your life.  For this reason, I love to look at a car's bumper sticker collection and decide exactly what kind of person is driving.  90% of these people are idiots (of course).

My first species is the "I'm Going To Display All Members Of My Family Via Bumpersticker" species. I know you've seen them.  They're EVERYWHERE.  It started off as this:

Then people started getting super creative and coming up with things like this:

What should I interpret from this?  That you're a family of feet?  Oh and here's one I saw recently:

Does this mean your entire family has died?  That's pretty sad.  Who's driving? The Crypt Keeper?

I really don't understand the purpose of these.  If anything, this car is sitting in your driveway and telling that serial killer who just climbed through your window exactly how many skin-suits he can make.

Labels

I see a lot of things as I drive down the road everyday.  One thing I don't understand are people who have specially-made front license plates that simply display the make or model of their car.
Examples:

This worries me.  Should I start labeling everything in my life?  Should I put a big sign on my front door that says "APARTMENT" ?

The only time these license plates should be used is to trick people into thinking you have an Escalade or a Navigator.  Put one on your Honda Civic and no one will know the difference.