Remember Me?

No one should say this. Ever.  There are two outcomes to asking someone this question.

There is a 13% chance that they actually do remember you, and they say "Of course! Star Wars Convention 02, right?!"

The other 87% of the time, that person has NO clue who you are, and you've just created a highly uncomfortable situation for you and for them.  If you have to ask someone if they remember you, they're probably not one of your closest pals.  I wouldn't go up to my best friend and say "Hey, remember me?" unless there was a blunt head trauma involved.  The SECOND that question leaves your mouth, their head is racing through all 543 of their Facebook friends, hoping your face clicks into place.  Chances are, it won't, and now they're put in the awkward position of saying "NOPE!", and now you feel like a dumb ass because you assumed they did.

Instead, my advice is just to ignore that person. Conversation is for friendly people.

So You Want To Be a Rap Star

It's easy!

1) Someone close to you has to die.

This way, at least 55% of your music can be paying tribute to that person; talking about how you owe them your life, your career, and your firstborn child.  Who needs creativity when you have a dead friend?!

2) You must have a cool-looking scar somewhere everyone can see.

Nothing will better prove that you're a bad-ass than a highly visible bodily scar.  Fell off a swing set in third grade? Great! Just stretch the truth a bit to involve some sort of gang fight on that playground, and you've got yourself a battle scar.  Think...Mary J. Blige:

WOAH that was almost her eye!

3) You must tattoo your area code somewhere on your body.

You've gotta rep your hood! Even if it is...Louisiana...

4) Finally, you must speak as if your jaw's wired shut. (BONUS POINTS IF IT REALLY IS!)

We all know Kanye went Through the Wire...

Ouch.  Even if your jaw's not sewn up tight, there's no reason you still can't talk like that! The harder it is to understand you, the more successful your music will be.  Case in point:

Dear Woman Driving With a Cocker Spaniel On Your Dashboard,

*I think the title of this post is enough, but I'm going to go ahead and elaborate.

Dear Woman Driving With a Cocker Spaniel On Your Dashboard,

As I was driving today I saw you on the road.  I glanced over and noticed what I thought to be a large stuffed animal on your dashboard in front of your steering wheel and thought "Well that's a dumb place to put that, it blocks half the windshield!"  Before I could finish my Condescending Thought #1, Condescending Thoughts #2, #3, and #4 came rushing through my brain when the large stuffed animal started MOVING!  Who in their RIGHT MIND would let their at least 30 pound dog lay on the dashboard of their car.  In front of the driver's seat.  First of all, it was blocking at least a third of your view out of your windshield. STUPID. Secondly, if you happened to run into anything, that dog would be on a first-class trip to NO-NO LAND and you would be left picking glass and blonde fur out of your eyes.

Whatever happened to some old McDonald's napkins?


Thanks,

     Shannon

Advertisement of the Year

Ran across this little gem on the interwebs today:

I love that they chose this image, which looks like a still-shot from a Ke$ha video.  "Become a psychologist and...help angsty teens who wear too much eye make-up?"

Furthermore, the last time I checked, a psychology degree took more than a year and a half to obtain.  But I guess when you go to the prestigious "Psychology College," the process is a little quicker.

Gym Etiquette

If you go to the gym, you've probably seen some rules that include "no cut off t-shirts, no denim shorts, and get off the treadmill after 30 minutes if someone's waiting."  Well these are not those rules.

1. Eyes On Your Own Treadmill
I can't express how much I hate it when I'm on a treadmill and I see (out of my periph) the person next to me looking over at me and/or my treadmill.  Repeatedly.  There's no need to ever look to your side while on a treadmill.  If your work-out was actually challenging, you'd be focused on that! BOOYAH!

2. No Farting
Just because you have your headphones on and can't hear it, doesn't mean we can't smell it.

3. Assess Your Skills
If you are deaf and blind, a cardio dance class is probably not for you.  However, I still run into these people often.  And I do mean RUN INTO THEM because they're spinning left when everyone else is spinning right.

4. Cardio Machines Are Not Urinals
I've been told by those of the male race that there's a certain procedure when it comes to picking a urinal.  See below:

For some reason, people do THIS SAME THING with the cardio machines.  They will walk all the way down the aisle looking for a treadmill which is not directly beside a treadmill in use.  I do not know why.  It makes me feel uncomfortable.

5. Conversations Should Involve Clothing

Please make sure that you are fully dressed before engaging in a conversation with a stranger in the locker room.  Or at least underwear.  Please? 

Overcrowded

I've always been a fan of people who appear to have no spatial awareness whatsoever. The people that you see in public places, usually crowded public places, that just have that look on their face like "I have no idea how I got here."  Kinda like this:

I've been running into a lot of these people lately. When I say running into, I literally mean smashing my car into their bodies.  Not really, but one can hope.  I just don't understand how you can have no concept of what's going on around you. 

Can we come up with a way to weed these people out?

Infograph Me

Here's a list of things you'll never catch me doing:

• reading the newspaper
• watching the Discovery Channel
• reading a non-fiction book
• looking through a telescope

Here are a list of things you will catch me doing:

• watching reality TV
• rapping Nicki Minaj lyrics over and over
• painting my dog's toenails
• drooling from the mouth

Needless to say, I'm not the thirstiest for knowledge.
Should I be ashamed? Probably. Am I? Nope.

But for some reason, if some information is presented in one of these newfangled "infographics" that are flying around the internet lately, I will read that shit like it's the latest issue of Us Weekly.

Take this one for example.  If I saw an article on "Marketing Automation," I would pass by that faster than you can say Unisom.  But the infographic? Read it top to bottom.  Ok, maybe not bottom. 

Here's one that actually is interesting: