Photo Overload

I, along with 98% of the population, am a Facebook stalker.  Most won't admit this.  Let's face it, Facebook was made for stalking. So, being the good creeper that I am, I log on and visit the newly uploaded photo albums to see what jewels my friends have in store for me.  Every now and then I'll click on an album of about 100 pictures or so of an event, thinking I've really hit the jackpot, when I realize that this person has simply dumped their entire memory stick into an album instead of picking and choosing the highlights.

It gets even worse when I start clicking through the pictures and see that they were taken within 2 seconds of each other.  Sometimes if I click fast enough, it's like watching a movie! HEHEHE

Probably should invest in one of these.

But seriously.  All I want to see is a few embarrassing photos of your life.  Not 34 of your Grandma cutting her birthday cake or 28 of your dog peeing for the first time.

Personification

They say that when you're angry and upset at someone, you should write them a letter explaining all of your feelings.  They also suggest that you don't even have to send the letter, and that just the act of writing it down can help deal with your problems.

I've seen quite a few of these letters pop on my mini-feed.  They go something like:

• Dear Calculus Exam, Why do you have to be so hard?
• Dear Monday, You suck!! I wish it was Sunday still.
• Dear Spring, Hurry up and get here! I hate the cold!

Now, if the authors of these notes knew anything, they would know that Spring isn't checking their Facebook daily!!! No no no!! Spring is off making things green and making the sun shine and making the temperat----WAIT A MINUTE! Spring isn't a person!

And neither is your calculus exam. Or Monday. Or any other season, day of the week, or inanimate object you might be writing to.  Stick to writing to actual humans.  We'd much rather read letters to your ex-boyfriends than to that nasty sandwich you had at lunch.

COUNTING

This will be a short one, but it's still just as important.  I hate hate HATE when people say things like "On a scale of 1 to 10, my anger level is about a FORTY FIVE."

Hey, guess what, you're an idiot.  45 is in fact not between the numbers 1 and 10.  If you wanted the scale to go to 45, you should say "On a scale of 1 to 45."  We'd still get the fact that you're pissed off.  No need to make us question your math skills.

VagueBookers

First off, I would like to thank my wonderful friend Sarah for introducing me to the correct term for these types of people. If you don't know what it is, well...that's why you're reading this post. DUH.

We all have a VagueBooker or 2(000) on our Facebook friends list.  As you scroll through your news feed you can't help but to NOT FEEL SORRY FOR THEM ONE STINKING BIT.

You know the status: "Feeling so lost right now. What do I do?"

Or, if they're a real VagueBooking pro: "My world just came crashing down. I can't believe this happened.  Especially after everything that happened last month!"

Now you, reader, might be thinking to yourself,  "This girl's a real bitch!"

You're right.

But even the non-bitchiest of people should be able to see that these VagueBookers aren't really hurting that bad!  If they were seriously in pain and sorrow, they wouldn't be posting it on Facebook. They'd be crying into one of the following:

• beer
• gallon of ice cream
• microphone at a karaoke bar

They're looking for attention!  DON'T GIVE IN.  The best Vaguebooking statuses are the ones that have ZERO COMMENTS and were posted THREE DAYS AGO.  We call this negative reinforcement.

"Invisible" People

As I've gone through life, I've found that certain people believe themselves to be invisible.  Their superpower is activated simply by not making eye contact with you.  Here are some examples:

• The Invisible Pedestrian - Yeah, yeah, they always have the right of way.  Whatever.  You'll probably come across the Invisible Pedestrian as you're driving through a parking lot.  They'll cross in front of you, without even waiting to see if you're going to stop.  Here's where the power kicks in: as long as they don't look at you, you can't see them!  They can take as long as they want, and have as many drooling children dragging along behind them, and it doesn't matter.
• The Invisible Grocery Shopper - You've finished getting all of your foods and you're ready to check out.  You've already done mathematical calculations as to which check out line will be the fastest.  You pick Register 4, and begin making your way over.  All of a sudden, here comes the Invisible Grocery Shopper from out of nowhere.  They slide into Register 4 right as you were about to step in line.  BAM POW ZAP! Even though you're close enough to them to smell their gouda, they don't look at you so YOU CAN'T SEE THEM!!  See also: Invisible Starbucks Customer
• The Invisible Employee - This one is pretty common.  You're at a store and you decide that you just cannot complete your tasks without some help.  You begin scanning your surroundings for someone that looks like they possibly know what's going on. (Note: This can be ultra tricky at Target.  Do not just approach anyone wearing red.)  You find what you believe to be an employee and begin approaching them.  Along with their invisibility, the Invisible Employee can also sense your hesitation about his/her employment there.  So instead of looking up from stocking or filing or picking their nose, they simply ignore you.  Now you're thinking, "I guess they don't work here!" and the cycle continues as you try to find someone else.  Unfortunately, most retail stores are made up of an entire army of Invisible Employees.  Good luck, and Godspeed.

Unrealistic Requests

People never cease to amaze me with what they post on Facebook.  One thing that I look at and think "You're a dumbass," are statuses that follow this formula:

"Who wants to buy me a _____________? "

Usually this blank is filled with something pretty expensive, such as:

• a new car!
• a new wardrobe!
• a new iPad!

First of all, who's on your friends list?  Jay-Z? Bill Gates? One of the Real Housewives?  Do you really think that the kid who sat behind you in Psychology is going to be looking through his mini-feed one day, see your status, and say "Hell yes, I do!" and message you for your mailing address?

Secondly, what are you trying to accomplish?  I already think you're nuts for asking 130 of your not-so-closest friends to grant your wishes.  Now I'll add "poor and unfortunate" to that list since you're begging for hand-outs.

Note: The only exception is this guy: