The Next Greatest Reality Show

A Sad Fact

I will be scrolling through my Facebook mini-feed and see someone's really amazing announcement, such as:

• Today's my wedding day, YAY!
• I just had a baby, YAY!
• I just finished crocheting my dog and I matching sweaters, YAY!

But I will forego "liking" or commenting on it, for the sole reason of not getting 23758972359 notifications from other people doing the same.

Like, for real? I'm holding back congratulatory words because I don't want my phone to keep beeping?  Every time my phone goes off, I get excited about the possibility of someone contacting me, and then it just turns out to be someone I don't know saying things I don't care about.

These are real problems, America.

Think Before You Ink

Nothing says, "I'm cooler than you," like a tattoo.  Except for these:

I thought the only people who liked knitting this much were 85 and bed ridden.  Hmm.

I might be a little biased because I don't like Harry Potter, but...seriously?  In 20 years when she's using her seven Harry Potter books as door stops, she's going to regret this.

This might be cool....or it might look like she's eternally painting her living room.

Going for that sexy look? Try Peter Cottontail peeking out of your shorts!  

It's sure to bring the boys to the yard.

Drive everyone away with a sweet "raccoon in a blue suit" tattoo!

A velociraptor? On your lip? I can't even think of a witty comment.

What In The...??

Alright.  First of all, a big thanks to Eddie Scarry for showing me this video.

Now, I'm going to let you watch the video before I even say anything.



Ok.  There are some things I'd like to discuss further:

0:59 - What is with this mouth she's making in all the pictures?
1:24 - Pop singer? Singer?...Singer?
1:28 - She's not 16.
1:30 - Whose birth certificate is printed in this Comic Sans-wannabe font?
1:58 - nothing he says is funny, yet she continues to laugh
2:36 - is it really shocking that parents that would let their 16-year old daughter pose naked and wrapped in an America flag have any problems with her marrying a 51-year old?
3:44 - LIE
3:58 - By "old soul," she literally means that there is a 75-year old retired prostitute under all of that frosted lipstick
4:49-4:56 - If you go back and look at only ONE THING from this video, make it these 7 seconds where she's eyeing him like an unlimited buffet of Swedish meatballs
5:06 - God's a plastic surgeon, too?! Busy man.
5:10 - An arm band? Really?
5:40 - She's not 16.
6:05 - My DVR is set already.

Bedtime Blunders

Here's the scene:

You've just laid down to go to sleep.  You toss and turn a little bit until you find the perfect position.  Your pillow's just right, your body's relaxed, and you lay there waiting for that beautiful wave of sleep to come over you.

THEN, you feel this sudden compulsion to switch to laying on your side. 5 minutes ago, laying on your back was the best thing that's happened to you since adding the bigger hard drive to your DVR, and now all you can think about is laying on your side.  You think "no, I'll be fine here on my back."  But the seconds tick by and dancing through your head like sugarplum fairies are visions of you, on your side, drooling peacefully to sleep.

SO, you switch to your side.  Ahhhh....much better.  What were you thinking laying on your back, anyway?  As you stick one leg outside the blanket, you begin to drift off to sleep..

STOMACH!! There's nothing you want more than to lay on your stomach.  Suddenly, you're like a crack addict looking for their next fix.  And that fix is you sprawled out over your bed with your face jammed in the pillow.  Screw it, you flip over, and you're at peace again..for now.

Does this happen to anybody else? If not, I might have some weird strain of OCD (wouldn't be the first)...

Disclaimer: Those are not my child-aged feet.

Whatcha Like?

Make Love To the Earth

Unless you're looking to recreate a scene from I Am Legend, taking care of our sweet Mother Earth should be something you're interested in doing.  However, if you're like most selfish bastards, you want to get something out of it as well.  Lucky for you, I've created a list of little things that make a big difference (to the Earth and to your wallet):

1)Bring your own bags

Re-usable bags have become somewhat of a trend lately.  They make them in all sorts of designs and colors. Check out these awesome ones:

Pick up about 4 or 5 and you're probably set for any shopping trip you make.  Here's where you can save a little cha-ching:

• Most grocery stores now give you 5 cents for every bag you bring of your own.  That's right, Einstein, you've saved a quarter!
• If you're a drugstore whore like myself, grab a CVS Green Bag Tag.  Strap it around one of your bags and make sure the cashier scans it every time you check out.  Every 4 scans, you get a dollar back.

2)Buy from companies that love the Earth, too

Look for brands that use recycled materials in their packaging.  Find cleaning products that are phosphate and chlorine free. OH LOOK! I already found one for you! They're called Seventh Generation, and they're amazing. Check out this FACTOID:

If every household in the US replaced just one 6-pack of 140-sheet virgin paper towels with our 100% recycled product we could save:
over 2,200,000 trees, over 780 million gallons of water, a year's supply for over 6,000 families of four, and 5.7 million cubic feet of landfill space, equal to over 8,400 full garbage trucks.

Wowza. Here's where the moneymaking comes in: their website is always PACKED with coupons.  On top of that, they have a rewards program where you enter codes from their products and earn points to get COOL STUFF.  Who doesn't love COOL STUFF?


3)Bring your own cup

You're already lugging around 5 tote bags, you might as well throw a coffee thermos in there, too.  Did you know that if you bring your own cup to Starbucks, they'll take 10 cents off the price of your drink?  That means you'll only be paying $10.78! (Justkiddingilovestarbucks)


4)Recycle your electronics

Do you get a new phone every time you're due for an upgrade?  Was the iPad just not good enough for you, so you went ahead and got the iPad 2?  If you answered yes to that one, please X out of my blog right now because I don't want to look at you anymore.

Anywho, all these old electronics are just taking up space in your junk drawer, am I right?  There's a great place that will take your old technology (even ones that don't work anymore) and recycle them.  Just go to Gazelle.com, tell them what you have, and they'll give you a price.  They even pay you to ship it to them! And sometimes, they even give you a BOX to put it in! WOAH!


5)Knowledge is power

Recyclebank is a great website that's all about teaching you ways to do your part for the environment.  If all you read just now sounded like "blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah" in your head, just wait.  You can also earn points for doing all SORTS of things, like watching videos about recycling, or entering codes from stuff you already buy like Ziploc bags and Kashi cereal.  You can redeem these points for all sorts of cool stuff, like magazines and gift cards! Best of all, it's free to join.  Yeah, that's right, FREE!

There you have it.  Helping the Earth, and saving some money towards buying that giant Land Rover you've always wanted.  Just kidding, don't do that.

The Next Twilight?

When I write my blog, I imagine that I feel kind of like what Stephenie Meyer (author of the Twilight series) felt like back in...oh, about 2004.  Here she has these crazy-ass ideas about a love triangle between a human, a vampire, and a werewolf.  As she's writing she's probably like "I have NO idea who would want to read this, but it seems like a pretty good use of my time."

She keeps writing, and writing, and writing.  Throws in a vampire army, maybe a dash of baby vampire spawn.  When she's done she's got 3000 pages of pure crap, but she's like "Eh, I might as well throw it out there."

And guess what?  Everybody and their mothers liked it.

So here I am, waiting for my blog to explode in 116 countries worldwide and be translated into 38 different languages.  Or at least for some emo chick to play me in a movie.

WORST SONG EVER

An Independence Day Drinking Game

Happy Fourth!  If you've already tired of hamburgers, hot dogs, and accidentally blowing yourself up, I've created a fun game you can play alone or with others!

Log onto Facebook and start scrolling through your mini-feed.  Take one shot for every time someone posts lyrics from and/or video of Katy Perry's song "Firework."  Continue until you pass out.

Because nothing says "America" like sparklers shooting out of your boobs.