At the Tone, Please Record Your Message

Your phone's ringing in another room.  You race around to find it (I'll admit, it's almost impossible to find anything in my giant mansion apartment), but by the time you do, it's too late.  They didn't leave a voicemail, so you dial them right back.

Ring....ring....ring....ring.


NO ANSWER!  What did they do?  Hang up and then immediately run away?  Drop the phone and then book it for the nearest train station?  You ignoring their phone call was the last straw and now they're standing on a bridge somewhere taking off their shoes? 

I DON'T GET IT.

Dear Man at Bi-Lo

Dear Man at Bi-Lo,
     I notice that you're walking around the grocery store using a tooth flosser.

A couple of things run through my mind.  Do you realize that this is a store where people are buying food?  A store where there is an entire section of fruits and vegetables laying helpless and uncovered as you flick your decay all over them?  You are worse than people who sneeze in the buffet line.  Is your schedule really that tight that you have to combine your grocery shopping with your dental hygiene routine? 

That's it.  If you need me, I'll be putting on a surgical mask over in Aisle 9.

Thanks,

     Shannon

Dear Weak-Armed Neighbors

Dear Weak-Armed Neighbors,
     I've noticed lately that no one but me can seem to heave my trash bags into the dumpster.  Tonight as I took over a plastic bag full of my dog's crap, I saw a whole bunch of garbage stacked and scattered around.  I thought to myself "UH OH, the dumpster's probably full! Whatever will I do with this bag of shit?!"  But I took a little peeksy inside just to make sure and...EMPTY!

     So, dear neighbors, the only reason I can come up with for you to set your trash mere inches away from the container that it's supposed to go in is lack of upper body strength.  I suggest you invest in P90X or maybe just start lifting yourself off of the couch.

Thanks,
     Shannon


Note: This is not the same as this.  These are real people, and I plan on sending them this letter. Just kidding. But seriously.

Life's Little Mysteries

If you're like me, you see people doing stupid things and you try to figure out why they probably think that's a good idea.  For example, when I see girls wearing leggings as pants, I assume that they think that thin, stretchy fabric is flattering to their sagging asses...

Yowch.  But sometimes, people do such idiotic things that I can't even come up with a way to justify them.  For example, tonight at the gym, I was on a treadmill behind a row of stationary bikes.  There was a woman and a man on two bikes next to each other.  Both of them had the televisions on their bikes on and tuned to two different channels.  The entire 40 minutes I was on the treadmill, I watched the woman on the bike as she pedaled her little heart out and stared at the man's TV screen next to her.  Her TV was not broken. Why didn't she change her channel to the channel he was watching if it was so damn interesting?!

I DON'T GET IT.

CAPTCHA later

Do you know what a CAPTCHA is? It's that crazy combination of letters and numbers that the WORLD WIDE WEB sometimes makes you write before you post things to ensure that you're not a robot.  It's very HIGH-TECHTUAL.

Every now and then a CAPTCHA will randomly come up with things like this:

which is kind of funny.  But most of the time, CAPTCHA's will ask you to write some shit that looks like this:

Every single time I get a CAPTCHA, I'm unsure about at least 85% of the characters that I'm typing.  But here's the crazy thing: I NEVER GET THEM WRONG.

Are CAPTCHA'S real? Is it impossible to fail them, or am I just amazingly adept at reading letters that have been scattered, smothered, covered, and chunked?

I'm the Kind of Girl That..

If you're ever on Facebook or Twitter or Blogspot or Tumblr or Myspace (really?) or Pinterest or ANY sort of social networking site, you've probably seen little quotes or graphics that start off with:

"I'm the type of girl that..."

And ends in some statement that we all know is probably the farthest from the truth, but she has posted it on her profile to seem cute and different!

Anyway, I've taken the time to translate a few of these for you. Enjoy.

"I have horrible grammar and I love Taylor Swift."

"I have one friend that I met in a chat room."

"My favorite band is Paramore and my Mom still packs my lunch everyday."

"I've read all of the Twilight books twice."

My New Favorite Response To...Anything.

Keeping with the reality TV theme, "The Bachelor Pad" has provided me (and you!) with the perfect response to anyone/thing: