Dirty Thieves: A Video Blog

Budget Cuts

If you know me, or read my blog regularly, you've probably picked up by now that I'm a teacher.  If you're a little slow, you may have assumed that I was a bail bondsman, and that's OK too.

We all know that schools are always getting the shit end of the stick when it comes to money.  It only makes sense since we're housing and educating the future of America.  Because of these budget cuts, there are some things that I've just gotten accustomed to around here.

For example, our faculty restrooms have been out of soap for about 4 months.  This is especially fun when I'm helping a 6th grader adjust their spit valve and it empties all over my hands.

As if we needed another problem with our hygiene practices, the restrooms ran out of paper towels about 2 months ago.  Just to catch you up, at this point "washing my hands" involves rinsing them under water and then shaking them like a polaroid picture.

I didn't think it could get any worse.  I really didn't.  But then I go to wash my hands yesterday and....

WE'RE OUT OF WATER.

I turned on the sink and...nothing comes out.  It's like the end of a bad joke.  "You know you're poor when..."

Tits or Zits

So after walking around all day with a pimple that is currently competing for the title of "chin," I've noticed a lot of people staring at it.  Like, while I'm in a conversation with them.  Like, not making eye contact whatsoever.  It reminded me of how all some guys prefer to stare at a girl's boobs while they talk to them.  Then I wondered...

"Which is worse? Zits or tits?!"

Would I rather someone stare at my puss-filled volcano, or my dairy pillows?  My oily McNugget, or my shirt puppies?  My cystic missile launcher, or my  nose warmers?

I CAN'T DECIDE!

What do you think?

While you're mulling it over, check out this video (I'll give you a hint; it's zits, not tits.)

Transitions

Anybody else find it hard to trust people who wear Transitions lenses?

Maybe it has something to do with being too lazy to switch to sunglasses.

Complimentary

If you follow my blog (and who doesn't, really?!), then you know that some of the people in my workplace enjoy telling me on a weekly basis how unattractive I am.  Or at least that's what it feels like.  Recently, however, I've received a few comments that only SLIGHTLY make me feel like tying cinder blocks to my feet and jumping in the pool in my apartment complex.

"Look at your legs, you've got black girl legs!"

Now, does she mean these black girl legs,


or these black girl legs?


It's hard to tell.

"I like your hair today, it's so puffy!"

This started out positive, but then took an uuuuugly turn.  Don't ever, ever, EVER, call a girl's hair puffy. I don't spend $900 a year on every antifrizzglosstamingshine spray so that I can come to work and get told that I look like carrot top.

Like Thumper always says:

Overheard..

Have you ever been to http://www.overheardinnewyork.com ?  If not, go now.  I don't even care if you leave my blog (however it will conveniently open in a new window).  Anyways, it's hilarious.  People send in ridiculous things they've overheard in NYC.  And you know they got some crazies:

Starting today, I will share with you things I've heard in my almost-as-exciting town.  My first jewel was overheard at, none other than, THE WAL-MART:


20-something girl on phone to most likely 20-something friend: "I ordered the BLT and didn't even know what it stood for before I got it and ate it!  I know!  Do you know what it stands for?"

...and so on and so forth.  I actually followed this girl for like 30 seconds to see how it would all pan out, and turns out she never got around to actually saying "Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato."  Also, why would you order something that could possibly stand for "Blue Lion Testicles" ?

Delivery

Do UPS and FedEx delivery men really think they're hiding something when they put your package under your doormat?

(for security and paparazzi purposes this is not my doormat)

I mean....really.  If there are actual criminals running through apartment buildings with the sole purpose of stealing peoples' packages, are they going to look at this and think "Wonder why that box is holding up their doormat?"