ATMs for Dummies

Isn't it just UNCANNY how every time you go to the ATM machine, you wind up behind someone who is using it for the VERY FIRST TIME?  I mean, what are the odds of that!?

Seriously, though.  As I sit behind these people taking their SWEET ASS TIME, I wonder:  which options are giving them trouble?  Is it choosing between:

• English or Spanish?
• Deposit or withdrawal?
• CHECK OR CASH?

I mean REALLY!  I'm pretty sure that gorilla who knows sign language could figure this one out.  

And what about those people who drive up and realize they're too far away? They will pull some CIRQUE DU SOLEIL SHIT, twisting and turning out the window before they open that car door!

THE NERVE!

Quick Question

Why does the beginning of every Akon song sound like he's stepping out from a giant refrigerator?

READ A SIGN!

This will be quick because I'm about to have 17 instrumentalists run into my room, but I just had to VENT.

There are many faculty/staff bathrooms placed around the building.

• Each of these is unisex.  
• Each of these can only be opened with a key.  
• Each of these, when unlocked, displays a sign that reads "VACANT."
• Each of these has a lock that when turned, automatically displays an "OCCUPIED" sign on the outside of the door.  

Let me break this down a little more.  The ONLY WAY to display the OCCUPIED sign is to be INSIDE the bathroom and LOCK the door.

So here I am, running to the bathroom before class starts.  The sign reads VACANT.  I unlock the door with my key. I flip the lock, thus turning the sign to read OCCUPIED."  I begin doing what we do in a bathroom, and I hear someone beginning to attempt to unlock the door.  Keep in mind that the sign reads OCCUPIED.  I don't say anything, because I figure they'll figure out soon enough why they are unable to unlock the door.

NOPE.

They now begin jiggling their key in the lock as if the ONLY reason they can't open the door is that they're not twisting and turning their key in just the right way.  This begins to make me nervous (I have nightmares about being in the faculty bathroom and the door swinging open during a class change) so I quickly finish up.  Not to be a quitter, this person KNOCKS ON THE DOOR!  I reply "YESSSSSSSS???" as I'm washing my hands.    Most people would walk away at this point.  Most people would get the drift.  Most people would find one of the other TWENTY EMPTY BATHROOMS.

NOPE.

THEY PUT THEIR KEY BACK IN THE LOCK AS IF TO SAY "THERE'S NO WAY THAT A HUMAN IS INSIDE THIS BATHROOM! IT MUST BE A TRICK!"

That's all.  I washed and dried my hands and by the time I opened the door they were gone.  I just can't believe people's stupidity sometimes.  I really can't.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall...

It has come to my attention that there is a group of people who were put on this Earth as human mirrors.  These people feel the need to let you know everything that's going on with your outward appearance.  A lot of my students are this way.  Here's just a sampling of things that I've been told:

• "Mmm you're breaking out right there on the side of your face!"
• "You got a cold sore on your lip!"
• "Miss Lee, you've got bags under your eyes!"

They say these things to me with no hatred whatsoever; they are simply telling me facts about myself, as if I hadn't actually looked in a mirror in a week or two.  I have to restrain myself from saying,

"Hey, thanks for letting me know that! I've also been 
wanting to tell you that you're ugly!"

But, for the sake of my job, I do not.  I tell myself that in their mind, they're being...helpful? Who the hell knows. The question I ask myself is, "Where do they draw the line?"

I mean, if they're pointing out my pimples, are they also going up to the guy in the wheelchair and saying,

"YO! You're missing your legs!"

Bumper Stickers pt. 3

Rounding out my trilogy on bumper stickers we have the scariest bumper sticker of them all (and it's not even really a bumper sticker!)

I'm talking about these people who decide to slap some stickers usually reserved for making your own "Garage Sale" signs on their cars.  These people have A LOT TO SAY and their messages are SO UNIQUE that they simply cannot find a bumper sticker that portrays their ideas!  So what do they do!? They make their own!

This particular driver got a little too caught up in the excitement and ended up making NO SENSE WHATSOEVER.  But at least it's easy to read!

Forget about lowercase letters! They go above and BEYOND by scaring the living shit out of us as we drive down the road.  They take the "Kanye West Approach" and write their messages in ALL CAPS.  

The funniest scariest thing about this is that the driver really thinks they're making an impact on the world by doing this! As if everyone that sees them is going to slam on their brakes and start copying down the info.  I recently passed by a van that was covered in the date that the world will end.  Why is it hard for me to believe that someone with that knowledge is driving a 1994 Chevy Astro?

Bumper Stickers pt. 2

This one goes out to those bumper stickers with 3 random letters on it and that's it.  There's only one that I know for sure what it stands for:
which is Outer Banks, NC.  I have no idea how I know this.

As for the rest of them, if you slap one on your car I'm going to go ahead and guess what I think it stands for.  Chances are, I'll be wrong, and it'll make you look stupid.  Let's try it!!

This is hands down, "LESBIAN."  I know it doesn't make sense spelling-wise.  Doesn't matter.  Aren't you better at construction, anyway?






This person is helpful.  They are letting everyone know that they are a 30 year old white woman.  This information could be used for 2 reasons:

1.Dating.  If interested, just follow her car to wherever she's going.  Even her house!  She won't mind.
2.Crime. Easiest target.  Go ahead and follow her back to her house as well.

Asian peeping tom.

Bumper Stickers pt.1

Bumper stickers say a lot about you.  When you're driving in your car, it's really the only way passing strangers can gain insight to your life.  For this reason, I love to look at a car's bumper sticker collection and decide exactly what kind of person is driving.  90% of these people are idiots (of course).

My first species is the "I'm Going To Display All Members Of My Family Via Bumpersticker" species. I know you've seen them.  They're EVERYWHERE.  It started off as this:

Then people started getting super creative and coming up with things like this:

What should I interpret from this?  That you're a family of feet?  Oh and here's one I saw recently:

Does this mean your entire family has died?  That's pretty sad.  Who's driving? The Crypt Keeper?

I really don't understand the purpose of these.  If anything, this car is sitting in your driveway and telling that serial killer who just climbed through your window exactly how many skin-suits he can make.

Pissed off...literally

I'm a teacher.  When I walk into the staff lounge, I should feel relaxed and safe.  It's the one room in the school where the students are not allowed to go (except they still do...because teachers send them in to buy them snacks HEHEHE).

In reality, every time I swing open the door to the bathroom in there, I'm shaking in my black sparkly flats.  Why? Well, there's two reasons:

1. There's a 50% chance I'll walk in on one of our older faculty members.  This woman was oddly born with the inability to lock doors AND to speak when someone knocks on said door.
2. There's a 95% chance I'll walk in to find that a small group of guerrilla toddlers have broken into our lounge and  vandalized the bathroom with their urine.

Although I haven't seen these toddler terrorists, I know they MUST exist because I cannot fathom another reason for there to be so much urine in places where it should not be.  I'm not just talking a drop or two on the seat.  I'm talking puddles on the seat and even worse...on the FLOOR!  How in the world does a grown man manage to miss his target that badly!?  On top of that, this sharp-shooter doesn't even put the seat up before he does it!  Someone needs to reassess their skills.

Labels

I see a lot of things as I drive down the road everyday.  One thing I don't understand are people who have specially-made front license plates that simply display the make or model of their car.
Examples:

This worries me.  Should I start labeling everything in my life?  Should I put a big sign on my front door that says "APARTMENT" ?

The only time these license plates should be used is to trick people into thinking you have an Escalade or a Navigator.  Put one on your Honda Civic and no one will know the difference.